yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
