Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
