We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
