I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
