When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
i think my cat just said my name.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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