and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
