You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
