how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
