ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
