im drinking this country out of the recession.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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