there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
