The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
