I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
We need to get me chipped asap
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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