Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
