9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
