She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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