A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
That accounts for only three of the penises
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
