Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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