I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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