Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
