You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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