I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
