Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
