Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
