im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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