he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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