Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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