tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
