Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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