ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
