is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
