i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
