hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
