Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
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my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
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He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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