i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
