Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
