I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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