he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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