just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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