the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Two words: blizzard sex
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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