There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
