Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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