I wanna passion pit in your ass
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
