i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
