Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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