Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
