just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
