We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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