I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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