You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
