She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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