Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Randomize
